I felt a deep sense of injustice inside, growing up I didn't feel seen, heard or understood.
My parents couldn't show me any true affection or love.
I struggled to express my wants, needs and feelings and learned not to trust my own perception or my own feelings.
I lived in very black and white world, right and wrong. I wanted to help those who found themselves in a situation of injustice because I felt I couldn't do anything about my own, and I wanted to win, to win an argument, something I hadn't been able to do growing up.
My law degree and police career gave me that for a short time.
But this wasn't the way.
The question was HOW? How was I going to help people in the way that I wanted without selling my soul?
How was I going to go from living in a cold dark damp house that never felt like a home, in a relationship that was making me feel used, and a job that was destroying my health and my sanity. Dealing with physical symptoms like poor memory, anxiety, brain fog, back pain, bloating and constipation like battling the Death Star unleashing Tie Fighters.
Not that putting myself in danger everyday AND sacrificing my sleep, social life and my sanity in the name of the Queen wasn't the best job ever. But I was READY for my LIFE back.
I was ready for a career on MY terms and a relationship where I was treated like I WAS the Queen.
The answer turned out to be under my pretty little nose.
I took some time and space away from everything to focus on my own wellbeing both physical and emotional and shared my love of Pilates and Yoga Flow.
The day a grown man, former armed forces and a police sergeant broke down in tears in my class and gave a huge bear hug afterwards, like he was never going to let go, I knew.
The practises of Pilates and Yoga grounded me, and at the same time expanded my capacity to endure physical sensations and discomfort, helping me to develop resilience in the face of stress.
By becoming aware of my own physical body, sensations and feelings and learning to trust in my feelings, I stood in my power and accepted NO LESS than I deserved.
I realised I needed to leave my home, my then relationship and my job.
Over the course of the next two years, I did just that, not all at once but gradually.
When my now husband to be proposed to me on my 40th birthday on top of a private fell overlooking Lake Ullswater 5 minutes from the door of our country home where we now run our own businesses, a moment where my dreams were becoming reality, I knew there was no going back.
In a very short space of time, I had built a life that most people only dream of, a new home in the country, a committed relationship with a man who treats me like Queen Amidala and a growing business that allowed us freedom. And sleep!
Fun Fact - Every time I have stood in my own power and refused to settle for anything less, the universe conspired to bring me everything I desired faster than the millennium falcon jumping into hyperspace.
This story isn't about me looking for sympathy because my life has been hard.
Yes, I grew up feeling like I didn't matter to anyone.
I spent my twenties and early thirties in a cycle of destructive relationships with men who couldn't or wouldn't commit. Anyone who was good for me, I would pick fights, push them away and then panic and freak out when they left.
I binged on sugar, spirits, shopping, social media, and this is only a tiny drop in the ocean of all the shit I overcame.
But here is the thing. Once I overcame the lack of trust in myself and learned to stand in my power to create a relationship, home, business, and life of my dreams, I was dead set on helping others do the same.
Because I was determined to break the cycle for my daughter and granddaughter, so that they and generations to come can stand in their power and trust themselves to live a life beyond their wildest dreams.
Becoming aware of your own body, feelings and sensations, the messages it is sending you, is the first step to change, but I bet my kyber crystal that you are ignoring yours right now.
Yes you, how long do you hold on when you need to go to the toilet instead of answering the call of nature….
Remember physical awareness is learning to trust yourself and the path to reconnecting with yourself to change your life.
Physical self-awareness equals - self-trust, self-belief, love, and joy.
Blunting physical sensations with sugar, alcohol, medication - equals distrust, self-doubt and a life of settling for less than you deserve and are capable of.
These things are solutions to a problem, and the trick is to find better solutions!
Many teachers only focus on the physical fitness aspect of Pilates and Yoga because they underestimate the effects of trauma and a dysregulated nervous system on our ability to achieve our goals.
Also, many therapists or coaches focus only on the mind or cognitive element, ignoring the role of the heart and gut our second and third brain.
I remember when I had CBT therapy at the end of an abusive relationship, which got me
nowhere because I didn't understand anything about the nervous system, and I did not have the skills to deal with my distressing physical reactions. I was left feeling like I was broken, useless, a failure and that I would always be alone.
In reality, your path to self-trust and power and ultimately major life change includes things like Sleep, physical movement, nourishment, learning to notice and describe sensations, calm, connection with others, a challenge, and finding your purpose.
Here is the cold hard truth:
If you don't commit to those like your life depends on it, and it REALLY does, you'll stay stuck in that soul sucking job where you are just a number and relationship where you are only ever a convenience. That house that doesn't feel like home.
Until you do you will have to keep sacrificing your sleep and sanity dealing with the same shit every day. Numbing yourself with sugar, spirits, shopping, social media, and sex so you don't have to face how bad you really feel, and really, most days you just don't want to wake up.
Coming home to an empty house because your partner is only ever around when it suits them and never when you need them. Constantly checking your phone to see if they have messaged, resisting the urge to message them first as you feel the anger bubble up inside.
Feeling like you are on a never-ending hamster wheel with no time, energy or money for yourself.
Constantly decorating, rearranging furniture, and buying stuff in an attempt to make the shitty house you hate feel like a home.
AND feeling confused and ashamed of yourself.
If that sounds just as terrible to you as it does to me then it is time for us to work together
I ONLY work with people who are as committed to themselves as I am to them.
Are you ready?